there are no answers

Yesterday I was reading an advice column about "why nice guys never get the girl" (Just for shits and giggles I will point out that the columnist was a woman so she MUST have better insight than a male columnist right?). To paraphrase what she said, women never go for the nice guy, the guy who dotes on them, listens to them, who is always available to them, because those characteristics are signs of "weakness". The reasons she says that women go for the guy who blows her off, or seems uninterested in her, or more interested in himself, is because that is a sign of strength.

Part of me understands and agrees with what this column says. But what about women. Are they relegated to this position of needing to be weak for this "Strong" man? If so why do they always cry on the shoulder of their always waiting friend-male when this "strong" man hurts them. Its very interesting. I think a lot of it has to do with the strange dynamic in relationships that the women's movement created. Now don't get me wrong I am all for equal rights for women. I think they should be able to vote, earn equal pay, own property, serve on the front lines. I think equality is a good thing. But I think somehow during the the women's lib movement, men became weak (see Sally Kellerman's speech to Rodney Dangerfield during dinner in the film "Back to School" for a more eloquently stated version of my opinion), and soft because they thought that was how we "get the girl"

The truth is its finding a balance between the two that creates a good spark I think. But what do I know I am single and have been for a week less than two years (not that I am counting mind you). Whatever, the truth is women, actually all of us, especially in our twenties and teens and youth in general are indecisive as hell and don't know what the hell we want. So when it happens it happens. I think a better thing for the columnist to say to the nice guy would have been don't fall all over for another person, be strong enough and love YOURSELF enough to realize that you mean just as much as they do, and that if they don't return the affection you are giving, then stop. See what happens. This is probably true for both genders. But I am a male blogger, so my opinion only has credence for males, right?

Am I nice guy. Hell no, I am an asshole. But I have been in that situation too many times where I was infatuated with a female friend, who had boyfriend troubles and cried on my shoulder. And I didn't even get laid. Mostly cause I "didn't see a moment for making a move" whatever, I should have MADE that moment. Ha! 20/20 hindsight is a total bitch ain't it? I even once had a girl I liked come by tipsy sit in my bed at 2am and tell me how she wanted a fuck buddy, and I talked about how I was past such things. Uh- HELLO. But its all good she is a great friend, and I am happy she is happy with her boyfriend again....right? No really I am happy for her. Text makes it hard to tell sarcasm, but in the end I probably saved myself from some drama, and some hot sex. Her loss. I give women great orgasms.

Love sucks. Finding love is hard enough, but losing it. That is a whole other story. I think one of my favorite Comic writers, Brian K. Vaughan said it very well: "no matter how smart and worldly you might be, almost everyone is naive enough to believe that the first time you fall in love might be the last. You just can't imagine it ever ending, and yet it almost always does. Probably nothing short of the death of a child will ever hurt as much as that first heartbreak, but that is the price of admission to being a full-fledged member of the human race." {GOOD-BYE TO Y II: BRIAN K VAUGHAN, II Newsarama.com January 29, 2008} Mr. Vaughan, you hit the nail on the head with that. I hope I never have to deal with that pain again. It's always funny to me how things pop up when you least expect, want or need them.

Like when you have just gotten over that pain of the first love, she shows up again. You promise yourself you won't let her in again, won't let her hurt you, but you might be a little weak still in your heart. It is hard to stay mad at someone you truly love, even when they hurt you that badly I suppose. Maybe you feel guilty for your part in what resulted in the ending of your love. Who knows. But she shows up, because her last boyfriend dumped her, and you help her out, perhaps by being that nice guy you never were when you were together, and she smells that weakness the columnist describes, and takes advantage of it.

She uses you to feel better about herself, even goes so far as to describe what a great lover you were, how horny she is, etc. etc. And you keep coming back for more emotional torment. Where was she when you were trying to get over her? She was with her new man, having totally forgot about you. But when he dumps her you help her pick up the pieces. Sounds fair right?

Not that this happened to me, but it could have. We all fall victim to our demons, guilt and love, especially when they come back to haunt us at a VERY in opportune time. So whatever. Now that she feels better, she has a new man, or maybe even that same guy she took up with when she forgot about you, where does that leave you? In the same pain you were when she left, but a little bit wiser. Women are crafty creatures, but I imagine that guys do this to girls to, I just happen to see it from the male point of view so I am biased I guess.

I think the nerd in me says Star Trek sums up heart break best:

W: I miss her. I feel so empty

G: I know that sensation.

W: I'm never going to feel this way about anyone else.

G: You're right.

W: I didn't expect you to say that.

G: Oh, there will be others -- but, the next time you feel love will be different. Each time is different.

W: Knowing that doesn't make it any easier.

G: It isn't supposed to.

Guinan's words are spot on. There is no easy way out of that pain. It takes time, personal strength and learning. The person you become is often stronger and better after you have had your heart broken. The feelings will never be the same. But it takes time to realize this. I really wish I had heard this 1 year ago when I was in the shitter over my heart break. But as Guinan said, it wouldn't have made it any easier. Fuck Love.

It makes me think of the song by the rapture: Pieces of the people we love

"Cuz everbody's got a piece of someone they hide.
It's okay its the way we distract until the day that we die.
And though our future's gone uncertain it's gonna be all right.
Cuz though I'm leaving longing leaves me ever by your side."

We all have past loves and people we care about hidden inside us. Friends/lovers lost to us for whatever reason that have impacted our lives and though we may never see them again, we hold them in our hearts and minds for all the good they brought us. Even when its time to say no more, my guilt over what happened will not rule my actions any longer, the longing to have them back will always be with us. Sad really but its all a part of our life and experience and helps us grow to be better people and ready for that next person. It is, as Mr. Vaughan said so well, part of the price of being human. Being human sucks. I would rather be a god.

I feel like I am whining in some way, but I am not, just some thoughts that came out when I read that column about nice guys. Not that I consider myself nice. I am an asshole. If you knew some of the things I had done in my life you would agree. "If you knew my story word for word, had all of my history, would you still go along with someone like me?"

Yea but I have this wonderful blog to rant with. Makes things so easy, and good and public for all the one or two people that find it by accident. What is really funny is how many of us deal with this stuff all the time, and the different ways of dealing with it. Some say FUCK love and go about life in a solitary way. Others just trudge along and find new love.